Clandestine
by S J Smith
Summary: ...if you can't be with the one you love.... Part of the Distant Sun series.


**Clandestine**

S J Smith

FMA isn't mine. Nope. Nor am I making money writing this stuff. Drat it.

Summary: …and if you can't be with the one you love….

A.N. I have no idea where this came from but…here it is.

* * *

They meet, clandestine, on rooftops or alleys. It isn't safe in public, not for him to be seen, certainly not for her and there are always eyes everywhere. He specifically doesn't want to explain this to his brother; her grandfather wouldn't understand. Hell, he wasn't sure he understood, either; just that it happened like this:

A meeting, arranged for an exchange of information. Ran Fan displayed her automail arm, a flash of silver and Edward Elric couldn't help but think the Rockbells could've provided better.

"Winry saw me in Rush Valley," Ran Fan told him, her voice low, her face turned slightly away. She tilted her head to meet his eyes, her own dark, unfathomable. "She was disappointed I wouldn't let her make this arm."

"Yeah, she would be." Ed's smile was bittersweet, the echoes of Winry's laughter, her voice, ringing in his ears. He wanted to see for himself she was safe, wanted to go to her, but not now; not while it was unsafe. Not while she was a hostage.

"She said she misses you." Ran Fan's voice was curiously level as she said that, though her stare took in the tops of the buildings around them, as if there was something hidden in that statement, something that Ed should understand by her speaking it. "She said if I saw you again, to tell you that."

"I've seen Ling," Ed blurted out, not comfortable with the thought of Winry missing him, not wanting to think about why he wasn't comfortable with it, nor the way it made his heart clench. "He's still in there. I swear." Comforting was not his strong suit; that was Al's forte but Ed managed to reach out, to touch Ran Fan's arm, gripping it lightly. He forced himself to hold Ran Fan's gaze as she turned to him, swallowing at the expression in her eyes; something between determined and lost. She moved into him almost before he realized it, her hands on his waist, her head on his shoulder. Ran Fan's body shuddered though she didn't cry and Ed thought that somehow made it worse. "Hey." Ed wished he knew what to say, what he should do besides rest his hands on her shoulders, squeezing them gently.

Ran Fan raised her head, staring at him, staring through him, Ed thought, and it seemed as if the world flipped. He wasn't sure whose hands went where first, only that clothes were a hindrance and were dealt with severely. His mind seemed disassociated from all of it, watching as if from a far distance, saw himself pressing Ran Fan up against a wall, saw her hand, her flesh hand, cupping him, guiding him in; the fierce, soulless coupling that left her back abraded from the rough surface of the wall and his from her short, sharp nails.

Setting his clothes to rights later, Ed was dismayed to see blood and realized what he'd – they'd – done. His hands trembled as he buckled his belt and he hoped the girl didn't notice that he couldn't look at her. Forcing his hand to raise, Ed reached over to Ran Fan again but she turned her shoulder, walking stiffly away. "We'll meet again," she said, before leaping off the roof.

And they had. Not often, always under the guise of exchanging information, which happened, too, even though there wasn't that much to share. And each time they walked away from each other, Ed cursed his body, hating the way that it felt afterwards. It wasn't anywhere close to love; hell, it wasn't even affection. It was sorrow and pain and loss, all rolled up into another warm body that felt the same anguish.

He wanted it to end, oh, how he wanted to keep his distance, make sure they never touched again but somehow, it happened over and over, though lightning never was supposed to strike in the same place twice, much less four, six, nine times. And he knew they tempted fate; that Al, or Ling, or any one of numerous people could find out about this but Ed found that he just didn't care anymore and that's what chilled him more than anything.

A month stretched by; two, and it was another damn clandestine meeting, with Mustang this time. The bastard managed to find him on the street, heading back to the hotel and offered him a ride. They spoke; sharp words that fenced back and forth, though Ed realized his own tongue was more acidic than normal. So did the Colonel, who stopped him before he could leave the vehicle. "Edward," he said, his mouth grim, "this isn't you." He'd brushed it off with a growl and a slam of the car door, stomping up to the room he shared with his brother. The room was dim and quiet and he flung himself onto the bed, burying his eyes in the crook of his elbow, trying to stop all the thoughts that flowed through his mind.

* * *

Ran Fan adjusted her clothes, not meeting the boy's eyes. She knew they were haunted with regrets and ghosts and while she accepted the blame for some of the regrets, she would not be the one to suffer his self-recriminations. His words were a rough mumble, barely loud enough to reach her but pulling her to a halt all the same. "We need to stop this," he said, guilt dragging down each word.

She turned back to the alchemist, the knuckles of her flesh hand sliding across her mouth. "If you want." The boy, for all his abilities, was not a warrior to take warrior's comfort in another. A part of her felt a sliver of surprise that his remorse hadn't put an ended it before this.

He dragged his head up, his gaze crossing hers like a pair of swords, the air almost shivering with force of that clash. "I want," he shook his head once, sharply, "I need her," he said, and there was something in his voice that Ran Fan hadn't heard since the first time she'd fought the boy. "And what we both want, we're not finding here." His hand swept between them, describing the separation rather than the closeness. "We have to stop." Though he sounded tired and beaten, his mouth was firm.

Studying him, Ran Fan saw the determination that ran through his frame, nearly making the boy vibrate. She inclined her head. "We'll meet again," Ran Fan said, as she walked away, the boy's words barely carrying to her as she dropped from the roof.

"No. We won't."

* * *


End file.
